Real deconstruction/destruction of inner self.
Just happened.
It’s painful.
Forward to the point “Zero”.
Z for Zero.
I don´t know which is the right question.
And there is the RIGHT QUESTION. But I don´t know it.
And I don´t claim anymore that there is no right or wrong. There is the right question.
.//////////////////////////////////////////////////////
What is written above was the first thoughts after the second presentation and feedback regarding the work I am doing here in PAF. …then I went back to my room (without have stopped crying…finally, after long time the real crying came out…) and the first thing I wanted really to do is to destroy the body data map. In this paper with my outline, had traces of the work I was doing the last days. I felt that it was something without meaning or essential function anymore…Although it was not easy to make it pieces….especially when I was seeing details> lines of different parts of the body , letters, symbols…A process of a real deconstruction of the image of myself started when the presentation/performance finished.
After one week I took a walk out of the space of PAF. It was a moment of liberation.
Regarding the presentation>
The second presentation happened this morning at 11,30 a.m and started in the room 116 (where the first presentation took place). I had in my mind an itinerary performance. I was dressed as the last time (to give a continuity) ..in black and with the fake beard made with my hair.
Then I asked them to follow me and we went to the media room. Before going inside I actually told them that there are going to see the rehearsal of the day before but they should respect as Fenia were there and was rehearsing. On the wall was projected a video with me dancing and at the same time was played on top my recorded voice (free word associations after the dance/movement research). In a certain point I tried to interact with the projection using improvisation.
From there I started feel that I was “failing”…Then I asked them to follow me again and we went to the “cave” room. There I read to them the first scenario that “Leo” (my male persona under construction) wrote and wants to make movie.
Up to now I was working in two levels. the first was the deconstruction of Fenias character. I was taking elements of what makes her to be Fenia and I was presenting them in a way that they were important things -like in a museum. On the other hand I was constructing slowly the male persona of Fenia (named Leo). My role during the tour presentations is ambiguous and not clear neither to me.
As my tendency is, I work at the same time in different aspects.
But I start also understanding the difficulty to go really deep.
The straight forward feedback of Pavlos and especially from Jan had a strong impact to me. Not so easy to take it without start crying silently. But I knew that was exactly this kind of shock I was needed if I want to go really deep, to learn more about myself as a person and as an artist, to make a step forward as I wish long time now.
Feedback.
Pavlos
- There is a juxtaposition of the documentation and the live presentation. What this means for you?
- There is no clarity of the way that you present the gender issue. For example if you were presenting yourself as Leo (male persona) you had still female body language (example while u were sitting).
- Not rely to the others.
- Create your criteria.
- EPIFANIA. In Greek means surface. In psychoanalysis is when the patient (between the 3rd and 4th meeting) thinks that he understood which the problem is. S/he has this kind of enlightenment regarding his/her condition or situation. The psychoanalyst tries to convince him that what he thinks is still the surface.
Jan
- Who wrote the scenario?
- The work it has not substance.
- Too quick formalization (video/photo/performance) of what you want to say but when you speak about it I cannot really understand. The way that is formalized also doesn’t pose the problem but walk away from it.
- You consider more “How should I do it?”
- We had to follow you. Which is the importance of the walking performance/to prepare and say to the audience what to do (i.e respect). How am I related as audience?
- What do u want really to address?
- It’s more Illustration and association of the idea than a research.
- Not losing time without addressing the subject.
- TAKE AWAY THE TOOLS U USE TO ESCAPE
- ESCAPING from the subject.
- IMAGINATION> The physician tries to imagine what is there. The artist tries to imagine what is not there.
- The point is the way you are “sitting” on it.
- WHAT IS THERE? HOW DOES WORK? HOW IS RELATED TO ME?
- Do not lose time to organize the ways u demonstrate something
- FOR WHOM DO I DO IT? this is I think one of the most crucial question in which I call myself to answer. I though about it but this moment I prefer not to share it. And exactly this difficulty to share real discoveries is that makes me realize that if I work in something so much personal and I desire to address something that will arrive to the other side I must have the courage to see, accept, admit and then offer them.
- do not be diffensive
- 1% is inspiration and 99% transparency
- ACCEPTATION> Accept that:
I am nothing
I don’t know
I am not goo
I am not an artist
I don’t have the answer
and that is okay
- Not trying to find strategies to escape from these thoughts and feelings
- TREAT yourself with dignity, kindly, gently.
- Have fun
- Here in PAF u have time. U have 16 hours to work. Not 16 hours just to do.
- Skip the attitude of a student in front of a teacher.
- Take time to not be together and to act more independently
RELAX RELAX RELAX RELAX RELAX RELAX
OFFER
HONESTY
ACCEPT
DON’T TRY TO IMPRESS.
ADMIT
NOT DOING IS STIL DOING
MEDITATE
RELAX
DO
DON TO DO.
|”I AM OKAY”
///////////////////////////////////////////
And I keep going forward…………