Monday 02.09.2013 P.A.F
After doing a lot it came the moment to do and occupy myself with one thing.
To find out who is HE. Who I want him to be.
It’s obvious. There is no mean to hide from that and to be impatient.
I choose HIM.
From a distance at the beginning.
I Know that He has something to do with these figures>
GRANDFATHER
BROTHER
Mr N.
Mr S.
Maybe, He should be more related with the figure of Father. Where the Father is? Who the Father is?
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Is it choreography a kind of Psychoanalysis as Pavlos uses to say?
For some reason I was avoiding to use my time here in PAF as a place of honest deep self analysis and therapy. “Here is work and an effort to find out what art means for me or how to learn more about work. It´s not a place for therapy.”…what a terrible misconception…
It is really about Me, dear Fenia.
I haven´t decide to be an employee (with all my respect to employees and the work their are doing. I have decided to expose myself believing that this can arrive as a meaning to others. Otherwise I would have keep to do it in my living room. But first of all I do it for me, to find recognition, love, acceptance, heal, motivation to deal with my life decisions, to built up a completely autonomous person, free from restrictions and other´s desires and expectations.
Yesterday I realized how much little I do it for me. How much more I have in my minds the others…the desires of the others, the opinion that the others could have about me…In that way I follow to the trap of losing my essence, the essence of others role and function. The others represents the “Father”; the one that controls and influence who u are. His power is bigger than u think. Not all the “others”. The ones I place them (consciously or unconsciously) as authorities in front of me and I tend to take a submissive attitude
others= > Father= > the big Other
MALE. MALE energy. MEN.
In order to confront with them I need my “HE”.
This alter ego, this male persona maybe is the key.
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I start for the recent Past. I start from the Grandfather.
Grandfather=> Past
Important note: Today from 8 o clock and for 24 hours I have signed a contract to be with Vagia (not in more than 2 metres distance while we are connected for whole period with a thick thread. She works on her project and I have to to concentrate to my own work.#
Tasks:
Write about the Grandfather.
-who is he in my mind?
– How I imagine him?
– What do I like about him?What I don´t?
Ask my mother to speak about him. Pavlos probably would have said that I will have more information about the other person than for him.
There is a thread to connect us.
Anyway my idea of him is influenced by the narration of my mother because he died when I was child.
I want as much info about him.
Research movement.
-WALK.
-Way to brush the hair.
Emotion research
-Submission
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20:30
1st phase>description. The idea I have for him and the first associations.
Grandfather> My idea of him is that of a silent, introvert and kind man. Not able to hurt somebody. Melancholic eyes. He dance the best zeibekiko. He has a heavy and slow way to walk without moving too much his hand and with a tension to the left shoulder. Attractive and mysterious. Also:
- blue eyes. I always wanted to have blue or green eyes.
- perfect hair. He used to brush his hair with a black comb in front of a mirror for hours. Each hair had to be in the right position.
- Curved shoulders. Introversion, maybe because of health problems.
- Face with lines. Lines>personal association : strong personality, direct. I f I was a man I would like to have marked lines in my face.
- Silent type. Introvert. Spoiled. Used to be taken care by women: sister and wife.
- Very thin and elegant presence.
- Difficult with the food.
2nd phase>short questionnaire for my mother about him>
- When did he born?
- Was he smiling often?
- Was he talking too much?
- Did he used to drink?
- Did he like to sing or/and dance?
- What kind of health problem he had?
- What he was doing when he was angry?
- How would you describe his voice?
- What was that he hated?
- What was that he loved most?
- Can you describe some stories with him?
- Do I have something that remind him?
- Any other comment you want.
The story of the “Big Sister” stayed all day long into my head. The real story and the way that I imagine it are fused.
- The story with the hyper-protective sister> He is a man with no strong will. Submissive to this powerful/strong woman, who controls him, suggests him what to do, takes care of him, influences him, follows him..Does he knows his own desires? How he defends them against her will.It was very interesting today, being attached (still I am) with Vagia. This thread doesn’t allow me to take distance from her. The most of the times I follow her decisions and desires. Even when I am doing my work and she doesn’t bother me it’s still there. And I know that she will be for 24 hours. we were walking and she was behind me. In a certain moment I felt alone but at the same time her presence was so close to me. I wanted to be alone. I couldn’t. But I resist. I don’t feel so much pressure. I accept that she exists but I am looking forward when I will be free from this thread.
I start not having a “face”.
Another experiment was to find different ways to walk. The task is to try for the next days to embody a new way to walk.
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I understand psychoanalysis as a process of cutting in pieces the “psyche” with a sharp knife in order to understand the way that it functions or not. Making choreography request a kind of analysis that will help to understand the way that I create something, how it functions or not, what works and what does’t work. Of course the too much analysis brings paralysis and it’s necessary to distinguish the moment that something needs to be analysed and the moment that has to be done. Doing and thinking are two process that has to walk hand to hand and this is actually the hard work. As in my case I realize that I tend more to think and analyse that sometimes rather than going deeper I just making circles around one thing. Although today in a certain moment of auto-analysis came out that…
I am doing what I am doing first of all in order to feel important.
My interest to work in my male persona or alter ego comes from a desire to find and combine the elements and characteristics of a persona that will claim its importance in different ways (speaking, dancing, being).
A process of slow transformation where I aim to discover more about Ego-complexity (Egomplexity?) rather than to solve any kind of problem aroused from the bipolar relationship of male and female within the person.
What Do I need solutions or ways to deal with myself , the others and the big other?
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Today, under the restriction to be all the time with Vagia who was trying to distract me, I tried to apply the triad
OBSERVE, ANALYSE, TRYING IN YOUR BODY.
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