Tuesday 27 August 13. P.A.F.
1st day.
PAF is an amazing place, an old monastery, a massive space with a strong energy coming out from walls, corridors, rooms, objects…A place where so many people lived for long or short periods of time. Past, present and future coexist in each corner and stories have been traced on the air….You are here to add something…your own story…a story that the ghosts of the place will narrate at each others in their secret gathering every dawn…But you don´t need to care about the ghosts. They care about you and they are here to assist you when is needed. In the meantime you have to keep working on your ideas till something to come out…Something that worth to share with others.
First day (Monday). I arrive after a long trip form Brussels, with a bacterial infection on my medium finger of the left hand, an inflammation on the left foot, a lost MP3, tiredness because of so many travels through Greece and abroad, a bit of sadness and lack of energy. We were welcomed from a bunch of people, ready for a performance/presentation of someone. We gathered in the garden…oh there are peacocks and a beautiful friendly cat. ..We sat and a piano music was travelling on the air. Some windows opened. The pianist inside. We outside…I cannot say if I liked it or not.What I know is that I was needed this moment of silent. The silent of the music in an unknown place. ..After that we were ready to make a short tour…Rooms, studios, kitchen, bathrooms, library, media space, roof, garden, dining room, washing room, the green room, the dance room, the room for smokers, sofas, vintage objects and furniture, some people, the cat, a chapel, roses, trees, traces of previous artists…yes, I am in the right place…I choose the room 115, because I like the wooden bed and the view from the window. The bed seems quit old with its thick dark brown frame and the soft mattress. From the window, green colors of the grass, some trees, a table with some chairs…Who was staying before me, and before him/her, and before..and before..?Who was the first person to look at this window?What s/he was seeing?Who slept first in this bed?What s/he dreamed of?…I like this unspoken stories of people that shared the same space with me… I think of this each time I am in an abandoned or old place…Past…is related with past…past is attractive…past is seductive…past is a curious place to be…past connects you with the ghosts…
Anyway my “research” supposes not being about ghosts, past and haunted places. Although for sure exists some connection.
When I came here, the idea was very much theoretical and quite generic: The construction and deconstruction of Identity. The question that I started with was: “Who I would be, if I was not me?”. But from there, as it happens always to me, my mind get overwhelmed by philosophical analysis, theories and ideas.Some day ago I had also a discussion with a friend of mine , Costas, who tried to challenge me through questions and opposite argumentation. The first confrontation. Certainly not the last one.
TUESDAY. It is important to clarify more and more my ideas and the direction I want to take day by day. At this helped the first two encounters and discussions about the project with Pavlos K. and Jan R.
Meeting with Pavlos.
Keywords: identity, structure, masks, ruins, hybrid, lexicon, censorship, self-obsession, narcissism, satisfaction, body map, myth, truth,definition, automatic writing, portrait, me.
Some points from our discussion.
- U use the improvisation as a way to avoid the structure.
- In dance u trying to be beautiful, u have a feminine quality and u fall on the trap of doing the same things without challenging yourself and pushing the boundaries.
- RUINS (in relation to the space we are): how do you find the ruins of yourself?How u destroy yourself as artist/person/dancer and create a new one?
- At the beginning you lose yourself..at the end you find it.
- If u want to use the video as medium, where is the research question? How you use it differently from other artists. Do you want to make a film?
- Making a portrait of who Fenia is. How important is to be exact?
- If you ask other people what they think about you, you see more things about the others than about you.
- Regrading the information you gather: How u use them?how do you perform them?Are u critical?Do u make fun of them? You want to show the identity, you want to destroy it?
- Which is the truth? where is the myth?
- What is the language in use for discovering yourself?
- Hybrid: a specific category that needs a certain definition. What is it? How is made?
- Lexikon of yourself: what is included and what not? How is made?Is it a book?is it video?is it performance?a website?
Lexikon of Fenia. Fenia becomes element of discovery. Making a research on how does work a Lexikon. Finding words and expression that explain who Fenia is. Examples. A body map. Historical parts. References.
- Is it a fact of transformation?
- This moment who is Fenia? show me that.
- Self obsession and narcissism. Where this finishes?does have an end?
- Where is the satisfaction?
- Why this is attractive for the audience?Why is it important for me doing that?to heart yourself?to purge myself and find catharsis?to make fun of me?
- For example: This is me writing about me>in this way the audience is placed in clear position
Action plan for WED:
ME. Presentation of myself.
- Automatic writing of 1 hour about myself;picking up elements and information. What do I use and what I don´t? What am I doing with the non used things(self wastes)?Nothing is thrown away.
- Pictures of different parts of the body. Measurements. Explanations.
- Using the outline of myself for making a body map. I have to find a material that is appropriate
- Making a video of presentation.
Image: self map on the ruined wall.
Meeting with Jan
Keywords: boy, girl, mask, restriction, desire, occupy, space, free, speak, open, home, loud, dare,
“Why for God shake do you make to yourself such a question?”.
The discussion with Jan was more specific, regarding mainly the gender, male and female elements in relation to Identity. He asked me if my parents wanted me to be a boy. Do I feel a boy? What does mean to feel boy or girl?Precisely, what is exactly the masculine perspective I am longing for? How would I dressed as male that feels very good?What is the exact feeling of being a girl?Which male figure would you like to be?How do I make sex?
Portray yourself how you are now. (Both asked me to do that). My answer both times was similar. Although the discussion with Jan went more deep. (home and belonging in relation to my self and body). It seems that anyway the first thing to do is to portray myself in order to have a starting point.
EXPERIMENT with yourself is different thing from MAKING A PERFORMANCE.
Schopenhauer : What you wish is what you do and not what you saying to want.
Antonia Baehr: artist to look at.
In this discussion came up my experience with Diane Torr and the construction of my male persona during her workshop. As well Rebetiko was referred.
- occupy space
- speak out and loud.
- dare.
- don´t be afraid.
- speak like man.
- be less vs not be
What means to be open?
Maybe what you want to do is to
FREE YOURSELF FROM YOURSELF (meaning the restrictions).
J:Do you hate me?
F:No….Should I?
J:Do you love me?
F:No…It´s too early.
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I start thinking about the role of the others (Jan, Pavlos, Peers, people/artists coming and leaving from PAf, the cat Enzo etc) and how they influence my work and this process. After speaking with both I understood that my topic is still generic and can follow different interpretations and directions. From this two dialogues and conversations I have to take out the main point interesting for me.
The main task for WED is the presentation of myself, through my eyes.